Nowhere has
mind attachment produced more confusion and irrational behavior than
in relationships. People earnestly search for someone compatible—be
that their soul mate or just someone who’s not like the last person
they were with. And who do they get? To paraphrase The Rolling Stones,
“not what they want, but what they need.”
In
relationships, one of the most frequently replayed concerns is: “Do
you think ‘so and so’ is right for me?”
It’s a question that I had long considered valid. As a
counselor I had helped many a client and friend to explore this
nagging doubt. I don’t do that anymore. Why? Because if pressed with
the question I would have to respond, “Why
yes, I am sure that individual is perfect for you.”
I wouldn’t need to meet or know anything about the other
person to stand on this statement, for relationships, like people,
don’t need to be fixed. They’re fine just the way they are. Trying
to change a relationship is like trying to teach a cat to bark—an
ill-conceived intention, a ludicrous task.
“Your
reasoning is excellent—it’s only your basic assumptions that are
wrong.”
~ Ashleigh Brilliant
To base
reality on what one thinks is insane—and that certainly includes
attempts to define who I am, who my partner is and what our
relationship is about. It’s a grand mystery. When we supply our
will’s need for control with intelligence from the limits of our
understanding, the results are predictable. Reactive, habitual
opinions and actions that support the same tired stories—the
premises of how to deal with our thoughts and emotions (suffering)
through memories, manipulations and other social acceptable norms.
In
relationships it sounds like this:
“I won’t accept what
is (my partner, his or her habits, how I am with my partner, etc.). I
want it (them, or me, or us) to be different, something else.” This
thought (or some form of it) is how the mind draws attention and life
energy away from the present (what
is) and into the past and future (what
ought have been, could or should be). It doesn’t lead to harmony
and it’s insane.
What’s sane
is accepting that relationships—as with the individuals
engaged—are always in position to experience love, balance and
harmony (even and especially within upset and tumultuousness). It’s
our affirmation of the perception of flaw or defectiveness in self,
others and relationship that gets in the way, giving foundation to
problems, generating support for story-making and causing suffering.
As couples, we may say “we’re stuck” and that’s fairly
accurate, but not in the relationship. We’re stuck in our minds,
oblivious to the immediate possibilities, obsessed (mostly
unconsciously) with thinking that scours the past to project remedies
into the future for the problems the same mind has shaped. Which came
first: the problem or the failed solution? The mind doesn’t care as
long as the loop of compulsive thinking continues.
The primary,
human archetype of relationship is marriage and it is rooted in the
concept of commitment. Through sloppy observation, commitment has
become associated with the person or the legal act; however, this is a
gross view of it. The clear intention is an unconditional agreement to
accept the other (idiosyncrasies, warts and all) as intimately as one
is willing to accept oneself (with one’s own idiosyncrasies, warts
and all). It transcends forgiveness for in the purity of this act, no
fault is given.
It’s
important to note: our mind-attached thinking doesn’t really want
the perfect partner it is obsessed with anyway. That would put it out
of work—and worse—into inactivity. The compulsive monologue is the
whole point. Even if it were possible for the utter fantasy of a
“perfect match” to walk into our lives, our thoughts would find
plenty of reasons to send him or her packing.
This next part
may be a bit touchy. By far—and I mean almost always—the purpose
of most relationships is not to love, but to medicate pain. We call it
love because of how it feels in the beginning—incredibly freeing and
beautiful, but as the relationship continues, the high starts to wane
as the pain increases. This is a typical pattern of drug usage. Even
the seemingly mystical experience of “falling in love” mostly
results from attracting and interlocking mutual compulsivity. “I
want to be needed. And I want to need someone.”
“I want to be taken care of. And I need someone to take care
of.” “I want to be sexually dominant. And I want someone to take
charge sexually.” And
so on. When these needs connect: “Sky
rockets in flight!” We
feel we’ve finally found the one person in all the world who is
right for us. And in a way we have, because even when the medication
of our attraction wears thin, there still stands before us a clear
mirror in which we can see ourselves.
“The only truth we know is that
which we practice in relationships.”
~ Jane Waddington
What about
toxic or violent relationships? Well, enlightenment is not for the
feint of heart. These types of relationships can be powerfully
transforming because of the intense experience of suffering made
possible by continuing the futility of denial and insane thinking as
to solutions. In contrast, passive relationships often take more time
to build up the pressure of discontent to the release state. I would
caution anyone in such a relationship, however, to be clear with
themselves as to the cost they are prepared to pay. Jesus, Gandhi, and
Martin Luther King, Jr., felt safe in themselves and did not fear or
resist violence. They were also murdered through their surrendering to
love and authenticity.
So, am I
saying “Stay in or leave a violent relationship”? No. What I am
saying is if you are in one, the clearest and safest thing you can do
is to be present and observe yourself, your partner and the
relationship. It’s a rich view. You can find restitution,
forgiveness, and clear, peaceful inspiration that keeps you in or
pushes you out of a relationship.
Remember also
that beauty is never selective. When we can’t see it on the surface
or within another’s behavior, it’s because within all the noise
and confusion of our thinking, we (not the other) have lost touch with
it in ourselves. Every person, like us—no matter what we say, think
or do—is the most exquisitely, beautiful person we will ever meet.
When I’m present, I witness the beauty, the innocence I am. I look
upon my beloved and I witness the same. My beloved looks upon me, into
the clarity of my witness reflecting back all the beauty and innocence
that is her, me, and us together. This is how we can love.
With that in
mind, here are a few tips for staying conscious in relationship:
- Don’t
try to fix anything or anyone. Think of it as attempting brain
surgery with a bulldozer. And you haven’t got a permit.
- Throw
out the norms. Trust in Higher purpose and support. As if
Providence, after seeing everything (especially your suspect
issues), is excited and shouting, “Yea,
I can work with this!”
- Be,
observe and love everything first. Sit with reality before turning
it into fantasy. Try it, you might just like it.
- Begin,
continue or end relationships in the moment only. No plotting or
conspiracies to do so.
- Repeat
after me: “Patterns are my friends.”
If you break up to make up to break up to make up, hooray
for you. It’s more chances to accept what is.
- Be
like a child and accept what is before you. Let your Spirit, not
your thinking, do the sorting.
Relationships
can be multiple-choice decisions or just one beautiful opportunity
right before us. It all depends on how attached we are to thinking
about it.
Editor’s
Note: This article is Part Four of a five-part series. Next issue: How
Being empowers and affects world change: harmonizing divisions,
sensitizing incivility, and dissolving compulsive, collective
self-consciousness.
The
Reverend Warren Dale Blackford
is an author, speaker, teacher and Spiritual guide. He lives in
Toronto and can be reached at 907-746-6089 and at strong4man@gmail.com.
